The cat was thrilled. I’d found a can of slightly dusty albacore in the back of the cupboard behind the new-fangled tuna pouches and from the other end of the house the orange boy somehow heard the tiny sound of a hand can opener. A fraction of a second later he had teleported the length of the house and was rubbing against my leg, shaking in anticipation. Tuna! There is tuna! In a can! It’s been months! Damn you, pouches!
I was still up the other night when L. jumped up in her sleep, grabbed the baby’s ride-on Mickey Mouse airplane like an over-inflated football and rushed to me with it. “Quick, touch this! Touch this or the magic won’t work!” I touched it, and suggested she go back to bed. “But what about the […]
My four-year-old saw what I must assume is a vacation bible school video aimed at children, although I’m not sure she got quite the intended message. Breathlessly she reported what she saw: “God is real and he’s a cowboy squirrel and he makes movies about himself!”
Select headlines from cnn.com yesterday: Elephants at risk from gangs, eBay Driver of runaway woodchipper jailed Whales spooked by traffic Texas town worries about polygamists Yearbook photos show bong, drinking, smoking Claims pour in for shipwreck booty Jessica Alba: ‘I love challenging authority’ Help avoid falls in the home with stylish universal design Einstein was […]
I heard today of a friend’s new dog, evidently a goofball playful nine month old named Grrr. Or maybe Grrrr. Not sure of the spelling. I can’t decide if that name is pure genius, or … something else.
I found a cell phone recently in the gutter, not close enough to any stores or offices to make it obvious where to take it. I looked through its phone book to see if there was a “home” listing so I could call the owner, but there wasn’t. I rejected trying to call Big Jim, […]
An older woman stopped next to me at a horse jumping event. She leaned on the pole rail fence for a few minutes, watching, then said: “I used to own an arabian too, but I never rode him like that.” She spent a moment reflecting. “Not everyone has to have an athlete, though. What’s wrong […]
After a good lunch at a once a year fundraising event, nothing sounded exciting for dinner. “We could have canned food… food in little boxes… bread…” Even with details on what’s in the cans and little boxes, nothing stood out. A commercial came on for the Mashed Potato Bowl at KFC. “I want that!” L […]
The other day I passed the Boise Airport Police K9 Explosives Unit truck, and it had the license plate KABOOOM. I am now trying to always, always, always carry a camera.
A movie I worked on (okay, as a location office PA, big deal) is on Entertainment Weekly’s list of “25 Worst Sequels of All Time” and I am oddly proud.
IM from me to J: i just went through my fat wallet and pulled out all the receipts and business cards and crap and i was left with five bucks and a coupon for 55 cents off life cereal. sigh J’s reply, illustrating why I keep him around: yum. life.
I was told the trash guys would take a queen mattress and box, and a couch if there wasn’t a fold-out bed inside; no special pickup necessary. So I dragged said old items out of my garage and put them next to the cans and sure enough, the truck took them. The couch was about […]
I didn’t think you could beat the socks and Chia Donkey but I was wrong: The woman behind me at Wal-Mart tonight was buying four packages of audio cables, two twelve packs of Heineken and a really big sledgehammer. She saw me smile and went to explain, but I cut her off. Explanations would only […]
Saw a license plate holder today (around a vanity plate that has a first name ending with a Z probably to be a possessive, like this, nameZ, because, one would presume, someone already got nameS, and this is just stupid either way although I have to admit I think it’s sort of amusing when someone […]
“1. Remove film cover. Remove chicken nuggets, ketchup, and muddy anthill sprinkle packet from tray.”
A signboard at the extreme end of a strip of stores and the angle you see it driving by made it appear to belong to its neighbor, thus leaving me this afternoon wondering why a funeral home and crematorium was in neon-colored letters advertising FREE ELECTRIC SCOOTER WITH PURCHASE.
Caption to a photo I saw in a Target parking lot but did not take, mostly because I didn’t have a camera: “Cartnage”
I woke up on the living room floor from an unplanned nap and Jay Leno was on my television, which is something I try to avoid. Worse, he was doing some sort of ‘comedy’ thing with Howie Mandel, who I guess needed a job. L. was asleep on the couch, and when she woke up […]
Behind me in a boarding line the other day a woman had this button on a purse: “The only obstacle to happiness is reality.” A woman waiting for this particular flight has a shirt that says: “I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter.” One of the TSA screeners added to the standard laptop/video […]
I think this is a good thing to look into noah One and all will realize you have “Arrived” We’ve got a powerful lawn tractor with your name on it. One and all will understand you have MADE IT Based on the same concept as the clown car. Everyone will realize you have Arrived If […]
In a bookstore today I saw the title “NO TOUCH MONKEY!” There is a subtitle that explains things but where is the fun in sharing that? Okay, fine. “… and Other Travel Lessons Learned Too Late” But really, isn’t “NO TOUCH MONKEY!” enough?
I just cleaned out my wallet as I moved into a new one – parts of the old one being held together by just three threads – and I decided it was time to remove the years of fortune cookie fortunes that were piled up, blocking a portrait of Winnie the Pooh and Chistropher Robin […]
L. and the baby (who is not such a baby anymore but I can’t stop calling her that) were leaving for some lunch and so forth, and I heard a slight plastic crash and scrape sound. I knew instantly the recycling guys – and not the garbage guys – had left the empty bin half […]
Overheard cell phone conversation fragment #1 – a young woman walking quickly: “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were in a sex shop.” Overheard cell phone conversation fragment #2 – a man about fifty pacing in front of a store: “I don’t like being associated with this family, so the next time I see you, […]
Clearly, I work myself into a tizzy late at night, post a few frustrated low-substance messages all in a row, then do nothing for two weeks. Instead, I will now try to post a non-frustrated high-content message: every sign and bumper sticker I can remember from two visits to the Five Points Cafe in Seattle […]
On a flight from Boise to Burbank last week the Southwest flight I was on stopped in Reno. I was reading a newspaper as passengers started to board so I’d never have looked up to see Tim Robbins pass my near-the-back seat to sit even-nearer-the-back if he hadn’t as he passed said to nobody in […]
Down in LA last week I saw a Fatburger all dark at an early hour and there were two banners: one said “Watch for Fatburger grand reopening soon” and the other said “Flame Broiled Burger: Good – Flame Broiled Building: Bad” which made me instantly want to eat there.
I came across a $10 bill that has written on the top and right border: “I don’t want to say these words because I don’t want to make things any worse.” A different hand has written on Hamilton’s forehead: “Elmo loves you.” I can’t bring myself to spend it.